Why Some South Asian Women Struggle to Know What They Want

What do you want?

It sounds like a simple question. But for many South Asian and first-generation women, it can be surprisingly difficult to answer.

The struggle isn’t necessarily that you don’t have preferences. You may simply have had less space to notice and explore them. From a young age, choices can be filtered through what’s practical, safe, respectable or best for the family—rather than what feels interesting or meaningful to you.

When Being “Good” Leaves Little Room to Explore

In some South Asian families, girls and boys are given different levels of freedom.

Boys may be encouraged to try different activities, take risks, travel or pursue an interest without knowing where it will lead. Girls may be expected to prioritize school, family responsibilities, safety and how their choices could reflect on others.

Being a “good daughter” can mean being responsible, helpful, agreeable and easy to manage. Your interests may be supported when they’re productive or impressive—but questioned when they’re simply enjoyable.

These expectations aren’t always stated directly. Sometimes, they appear through subtle differences in freedom, encouragement and responsibility.

This doesn’t mean families don’t love their daughters or want the best for them. Many cultural expectations are connected to protection, sacrifice, family reputation or experiences of migration and survival. But even well-intentioned rules can teach girls that curiosity is risky and that approval depends on making the “right” choices.

Why It Can Be Hard to Know What You Want as an Adult

When you’ve spent years considering everyone else’s needs, opinions and comfort, your own preferences can become difficult to hear.

This might look like:

• Feeling anxious when you have too many choices
• Asking other people what they think before deciding
• Choosing what seems practical instead of what feels meaningful
• Feeling guilty about spending time or money on yourself
• Overexplaining your decisions or boundaries
• Worrying that changing your mind means you’ve failed

What looks like indecision may actually be a lack of practice making choices based on your own wants.

This can also overlap with people-pleasing, perfectionism and fear of disappointing family. You may be highly capable and successful while still feeling disconnected from what you genuinely enjoy.

Relearning Curiosity

Reconnecting with yourself doesn’t require making an enormous life change. It can begin with small, low-pressure questions:

What interests you even if you’re not immediately good at it? What would you try if it didn’t need to become productive? What feels enjoyable when nobody else’s approval is involved?

You’re allowed to experiment. You’re allowed to have interests that don’t lead anywhere. You’re also allowed to change your mind.

Curiosity doesn’t need to be useful to be worthwhile.

Therapy for South Asian Women Navigating Cultural Expectations

Culturally responsive therapy can offer a space to explore identity, gender roles, family expectations and the “good daughter” experience without asking you to reject your culture or the people you love.

Therapy can help you recognize where guilt and people-pleasing may be influencing your choices, strengthen your sense of self and begin making decisions that feel more authentic to you.

I offer culturally responsive therapy in Ajax and online therapy across Ontario for South Asian and first-generation women navigating identity, family expectations and self-discovery. You can book a free 15-minute discovery call to see whether working together feels like the right fit.